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I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book or a friend who's #read one.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Book
Nothing
Going
Believe
Bed
Good
Honestly
Like
Absolutely
Friend
Read

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I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
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Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
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My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
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I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
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I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.
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How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller
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Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
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... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.
Phyllis Diller