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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Money
Nothing
Mean
Love
Like
Marrying
Tennis
Means
More quotes by Phyllis Diller
All mothers are working mothers.
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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
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... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
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Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
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It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
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I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
Phyllis Diller
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
Phyllis Diller
When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.
Phyllis Diller
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
Phyllis Diller
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller
Comedy is tragedy revisited.
Phyllis Diller
We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
Phyllis Diller
For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
Phyllis Diller
If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
Phyllis Diller
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
Phyllis Diller
Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
Phyllis Diller
Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
Phyllis Diller
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Phyllis Diller
