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This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Gave
Measurement
Asked
Finger
Thought
Ring
Going
Rings
Men
Ball
Christmas
Measurements
Balls
Bowling
Fingers
Assessment

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You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
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Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
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Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.
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I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
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I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.
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If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
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You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
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My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
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Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
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