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This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Gave
Measurement
Asked
Finger
Ring
Thought
Rings
Going
Ball
Men
Christmas
Measurements
Balls
Bowling
Fingers
Assessment
More quotes by Phyllis Diller
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
Phyllis Diller
This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
Phyllis Diller
I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
Phyllis Diller
If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
Phyllis Diller
Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.
Phyllis Diller
How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
Phyllis Diller
You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis Diller
Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
Phyllis Diller
I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
Phyllis Diller
My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
Phyllis Diller
I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
Phyllis Diller
You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
Phyllis Diller
Comedy is tragedy revisited.
Phyllis Diller
get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.
Phyllis Diller
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
Phyllis Diller
I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
Phyllis Diller
Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.
Phyllis Diller
When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
Phyllis Diller
