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This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Men
Ball
Christmas
Measurements
Balls
Bowling
Fingers
Assessment
Gave
Measurement
Asked
Finger
Thought
Ring
Going
Rings
More quotes by Phyllis Diller
Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
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... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
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Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
Phyllis Diller
There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
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Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
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I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book or a friend who's #read one.
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I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.
Phyllis Diller
I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
Phyllis Diller
Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
Phyllis Diller
My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.
Phyllis Diller