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When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Estimate
Emergency
Emergencies
Beauty
Use
Sometimes
Parlor
Always
Entrance
Entrances

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It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.
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Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
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self-pity is better than none.
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My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
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Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
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I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.
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