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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Anybody
Behinds
Ironing
Behind
Chores
Use
Housework
Doesn
Eighteen
Years
Cleaning
Household
Fit
More quotes by Phyllis Diller
I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
Phyllis Diller
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller
Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
Phyllis Diller
It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
Phyllis Diller
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
Phyllis Diller
It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
Phyllis Diller
Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
Phyllis Diller
Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
Phyllis Diller
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller
This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
Phyllis Diller
My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
Phyllis Diller
Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
Phyllis Diller
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
Phyllis Diller
There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.
Phyllis Diller
I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.
Phyllis Diller
Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.
Phyllis Diller
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
Phyllis Diller
I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
Phyllis Diller
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Phyllis Diller
Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
Phyllis Diller
