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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Behinds
Ironing
Behind
Chores
Use
Housework
Doesn
Eighteen
Years
Cleaning
Household
Fit
Anybody
More quotes by Phyllis Diller
I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
Phyllis Diller
Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
Phyllis Diller
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller
This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
Phyllis Diller
My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
Phyllis Diller
get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.
Phyllis Diller
My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
Phyllis Diller
Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
Phyllis Diller
Comedy is tragedy revisited.
Phyllis Diller
If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.
Phyllis Diller
When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.
Phyllis Diller
Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
Phyllis Diller
My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
Phyllis Diller
Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.
Phyllis Diller
I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
Phyllis Diller
Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
Phyllis Diller
Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
Phyllis Diller
You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
Phyllis Diller
