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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Household
Fit
Anybody
Behinds
Ironing
Behind
Chores
Use
Housework
Doesn
Eighteen
Years
Cleaning

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
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It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
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I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed.
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There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.
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Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
Phyllis Diller
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I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
Phyllis Diller
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There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
Phyllis Diller
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My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
Phyllis Diller
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Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss we touch gloves.
Phyllis Diller
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
Phyllis Diller
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller
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This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
Phyllis Diller
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
Phyllis Diller