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Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Everybody
Fangs
Funny
Sloth
Three
Laziness
Wells
Neighbors
Well
Lazy
Fang
Cards
Lawn
Neighbor
Indolence
Saws
Lawns

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When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
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If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
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Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
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If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
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My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
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When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
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Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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