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Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Funny
Sloth
Three
Laziness
Wells
Neighbors
Well
Lazy
Fang
Cards
Lawn
Neighbor
Indolence
Saws
Lawns
Everybody
Fangs
More quotes by Phyllis Diller
Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.
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I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
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A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
Phyllis Diller
In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
Phyllis Diller
Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
Phyllis Diller
