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Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Everybody
Fangs
Funny
Sloth
Three
Laziness
Wells
Neighbors
Well
Lazy
Fang
Cards
Lawn
Neighbor
Indolence
Saws
Lawns

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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
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He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
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It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
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You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
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I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
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A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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