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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Funny
Laziness
Use
Bottles
Going
Uses
Lazy
Teaspoon
Bed
Teaspoons
Medicine
Indolence
Seven
Sloth
Husband
Directions
More quotes by Phyllis Diller
Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
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Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.
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For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .
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You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
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My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
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We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
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