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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Use
Bottles
Going
Uses
Lazy
Teaspoon
Bed
Teaspoons
Medicine
Indolence
Seven
Sloth
Husband
Directions
Funny
Laziness
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How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
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You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
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Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.
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Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .
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I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.
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This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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