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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Husband
Directions
Funny
Laziness
Use
Bottles
Going
Uses
Lazy
Teaspoon
Bed
Teaspoons
Medicine
Indolence
Seven
Sloth
More quotes by Phyllis Diller
I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.
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Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
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He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
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If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
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How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
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I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
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It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
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I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
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I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.
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