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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Wind
Sloth
Goes
Blowing
Funny
Laziness
House
Lazy
Way
Finds
Leaves
Direction
Husband
Indolence

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If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
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We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
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Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
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Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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