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I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Must
Director
Like
Bed
Vocational
Develop
Fang
Directors
Indolence
Skills
Fangs
Getting
Sloth
Funny
Mechanical
Remember
Laziness
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
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When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
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My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
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I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.
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My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
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I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
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He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
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There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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