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It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Took
Week
Beak
Stuff
Beaks
Three
Stuffed
Turkeys
Turkey
Thanksgiving
Weeks
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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
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My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
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My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
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I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.
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My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
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It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
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