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It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Week
Beak
Stuff
Beaks
Three
Stuffed
Turkeys
Turkey
Thanksgiving
Weeks
Took

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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
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You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
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Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
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self-pity is better than none.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.
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You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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