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I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Baby
Morning
Inspirational
Sickness
Sick
Beginning

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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
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My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.
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My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
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Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
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Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
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Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss we touch gloves.
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Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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