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I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Sickness
Sick
Beginning
Baby
Morning
Inspirational

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
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My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
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It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.
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You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
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get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.
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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
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Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.
Phyllis Diller
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
Phyllis Diller
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How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
Phyllis Diller
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Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
Phyllis Diller
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Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
Phyllis Diller
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If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
Phyllis Diller
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Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss we touch gloves.
Phyllis Diller
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I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
Phyllis Diller