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I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Inspirational
Sickness
Sick
Beginning
Baby
Morning

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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
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Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss we touch gloves.
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I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
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Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
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You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
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