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I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Born
World
Ugliest
Slapped
Doctor
Doctors
Baby
Everybody

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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
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Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
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Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.
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Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
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Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
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When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
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I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book or a friend who's #read one.
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Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
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Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
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My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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