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I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
World
Ugliest
Slapped
Doctor
Doctors
Baby
Everybody
Born
More quotes by Phyllis Diller
Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
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If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
Phyllis Diller
The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
Phyllis Diller
Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
Phyllis Diller
You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis Diller
Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
Phyllis Diller
Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
Phyllis Diller
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
Phyllis Diller
I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
Phyllis Diller
[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
Phyllis Diller
My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
Phyllis Diller
