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I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
World
Ugliest
Slapped
Doctor
Doctors
Baby
Everybody
Born

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How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
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I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
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When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
Phyllis Diller
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
Phyllis Diller
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Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.
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If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
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Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
Phyllis Diller
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I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
Phyllis Diller
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
Phyllis Diller