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I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Ugliest
Slapped
Doctor
Doctors
Baby
Everybody
Born
World

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
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Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
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In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
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There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.
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My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
Phyllis Diller
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
Phyllis Diller
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If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
Phyllis Diller
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
Phyllis Diller
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I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book or a friend who's #read one.
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Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
Phyllis Diller
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I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed.
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self-pity is better than none.
Phyllis Diller
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Phyllis Diller