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I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Doctors
Baby
Everybody
Born
World
Ugliest
Slapped
Doctor
More quotes by Phyllis Diller
When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
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My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
Phyllis Diller
I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
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Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
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You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
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My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
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It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
Phyllis Diller
I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
Phyllis Diller
Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
Phyllis Diller
... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.
Phyllis Diller
I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
Phyllis Diller
My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
Phyllis Diller
