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You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Walkers
Walker

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
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I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed.
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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
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It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
Phyllis Diller
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If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
Phyllis Diller
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
Phyllis Diller
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
Phyllis Diller
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We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
Phyllis Diller
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I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
Phyllis Diller
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When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
Phyllis Diller
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.
Phyllis Diller
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For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
Phyllis Diller
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
Phyllis Diller
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My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
Phyllis Diller
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
Phyllis Diller
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Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.
Phyllis Diller
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In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
Phyllis Diller