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You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Walker
Walkers

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Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.
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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.
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He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
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My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
Phyllis Diller
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All mothers are working mothers.
Phyllis Diller
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Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
Phyllis Diller