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You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Nastiest
Offending
Anyone
Without
Things

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
Phyllis Diller
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
Phyllis Diller
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
Phyllis Diller
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My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
Phyllis Diller
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I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
Phyllis Diller
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller
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It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
Phyllis Diller
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Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
Phyllis Diller
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
Phyllis Diller
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Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss we touch gloves.
Phyllis Diller
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller
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This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
Phyllis Diller
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
Phyllis Diller
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Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
Phyllis Diller
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
Phyllis Diller
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A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
Phyllis Diller
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You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
Phyllis Diller
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My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
Phyllis Diller
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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
Phyllis Diller
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Phyllis Diller