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You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Nastiest
Offending
Anyone
Without
Things

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
Phyllis Diller
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All mothers are working mothers.
Phyllis Diller
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I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.
Phyllis Diller
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
Phyllis Diller
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My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
Phyllis Diller
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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
Phyllis Diller
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I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.
Phyllis Diller
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Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
Phyllis Diller
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I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
Phyllis Diller
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
Phyllis Diller
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
Phyllis Diller
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Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
Phyllis Diller
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
Phyllis Diller
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If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
Phyllis Diller
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I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed.
Phyllis Diller
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Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
Phyllis Diller
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It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
Phyllis Diller
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How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
Phyllis Diller
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I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
Phyllis Diller