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Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Husband
Back
Like
Appendix
Divorced

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Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
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I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
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It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
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My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
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Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
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My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss we touch gloves.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
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We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
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