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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Constantly
Fire
Californians
Drought
Mud
Accused
Flood
Seasons

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... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.
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Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
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I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
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I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed.
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You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
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For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
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We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
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We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .
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I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
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Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
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I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.
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I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
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