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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Seasons
Constantly
Fire
Californians
Drought
Mud
Accused
Flood
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.
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My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.
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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
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Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
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We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .
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get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
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I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.
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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
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Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
Phyllis Diller
My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.
Phyllis Diller
Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.
Phyllis Diller
