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I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Condemned
Family

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
Phyllis Diller
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I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!
Phyllis Diller
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I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
Phyllis Diller
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
Phyllis Diller
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Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.
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My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
Phyllis Diller
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I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
Phyllis Diller
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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
Phyllis Diller
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
Phyllis Diller
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
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get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.
Phyllis Diller
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It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
Phyllis Diller
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Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss we touch gloves.
Phyllis Diller
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
Phyllis Diller
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My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
Phyllis Diller