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I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Condemned
Family

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
Phyllis Diller
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Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.
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It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
Phyllis Diller
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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
Phyllis Diller
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It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
Phyllis Diller
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My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
Phyllis Diller
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
Phyllis Diller
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
Phyllis Diller
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
Phyllis Diller
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I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book or a friend who's #read one.
Phyllis Diller
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
Phyllis Diller
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If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
Phyllis Diller