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I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Condemned
Family

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
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Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
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Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!
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Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
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Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.
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If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
Phyllis Diller
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I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
Phyllis Diller
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
Phyllis Diller
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
Phyllis Diller
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
Phyllis Diller