Quote

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Really
Mess
Stranger
Door
Greet
Doors
Chores
Enemy
Housework
Comes
Cleaning
House
Household
Done
Enemies

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.
Phyllis Diller
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Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
Phyllis Diller
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My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
Phyllis Diller
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
Phyllis Diller
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
Phyllis Diller
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Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.
Phyllis Diller
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Phyllis Diller
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In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
Phyllis Diller
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When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
Phyllis Diller
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I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!
Phyllis Diller
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
Phyllis Diller
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Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
Phyllis Diller
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller
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Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
Phyllis Diller
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You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis Diller
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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
Phyllis Diller
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My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
Phyllis Diller
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Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.
Phyllis Diller
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My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
Phyllis Diller
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
Phyllis Diller