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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Remembered
Christmas
Forgotten
Wants
Present
Everybody
Past
Xmas
Time
Santa
More quotes by Phyllis Diller
When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.
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There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
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Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
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I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
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For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
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All mothers are working mothers.
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Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
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Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
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I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
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I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
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