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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Past
Xmas
Time
Santa
Remembered
Christmas
Forgotten
Wants
Present
Everybody

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If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.
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I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book or a friend who's #read one.
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It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
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Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
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You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
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My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
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I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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