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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Christmas
Forgotten
Wants
Present
Everybody
Past
Xmas
Time
Santa
Remembered

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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
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I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.
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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
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You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
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When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
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Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
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My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.
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My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
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I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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