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Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Wedding
Chinese
Clothes
Justice
Inspirational
Doesn
Mean
Threw
Men
Rice
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When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
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I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
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Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss we touch gloves.
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Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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