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Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Mean
Threw
Men
Rice
Wedding
Chinese
Clothes
Justice
Inspirational
Doesn
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
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Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
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It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
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Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
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