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Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Inspirational
Doesn
Mean
Threw
Men
Rice
Wedding
Chinese
Clothes
Justice
More quotes by Phyllis Diller
I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
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Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
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My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
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There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
Phyllis Diller
When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
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I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
Phyllis Diller
In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
Phyllis Diller
