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Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Inspirational
Doesn
Mean
Threw
Rice
Men
Wedding
Chinese
Clothes
Justice

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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
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You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
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We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .
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get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
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My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
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My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.
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I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
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Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
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Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
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If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
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