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Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Wedding
Chinese
Clothes
Justice
Inspirational
Doesn
Mean
Threw
Men
Rice
More quotes by Phyllis Diller
There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.
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get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.
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My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
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Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
Phyllis Diller
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Phyllis Diller
My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
Phyllis Diller
The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
Phyllis Diller
I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
Phyllis Diller
Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
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Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
Phyllis Diller
I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
Phyllis Diller
I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
Phyllis Diller
I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!
Phyllis Diller
When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
Phyllis Diller
Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
Phyllis Diller
