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When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Home
Quarters
Wells
Bottles
Well
Twelve
Play
Kiss
Giving
Kissing
Spin
Years
Hell
Quarter
Time
Funny
Owned
Give
Bottle
More quotes by Phyllis Diller
Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
Phyllis Diller
Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
Phyllis Diller
I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
Phyllis Diller
I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
Phyllis Diller
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
Phyllis Diller
You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis Diller
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
Phyllis Diller
There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.
Phyllis Diller
It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
Phyllis Diller
... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
Phyllis Diller
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
Phyllis Diller
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller
My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
Phyllis Diller
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
Phyllis Diller
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
Phyllis Diller
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Phyllis Diller
