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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Mirrors
Keeps
Humble
Humility
Humor
Funny

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
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If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.
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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
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We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
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For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
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When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
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You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
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I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.
Phyllis Diller
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My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
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Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
Phyllis Diller
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My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
Phyllis Diller
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Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
Phyllis Diller
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Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
Phyllis Diller