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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Brisk
Fitness
Exercise
Health
Idea
Ideas
Good

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We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
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This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
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Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
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If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
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There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
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For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
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If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.
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My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
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Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.
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