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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Life
Spread
Wear
Maybe
Fall
Birthday
Inspirational
Aging
Else
Starts
True
Fifty
Everything
Begins

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We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
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Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
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I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed.
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Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.
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I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
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Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
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... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.
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Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.
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