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My father used to call me the laughing hyena.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Used
Hyena
Hyenas
Laughing
Call
Father

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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
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My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
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Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
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For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
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Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
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Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
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In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
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All mothers are working mothers.
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There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.
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get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.
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Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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