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My father used to call me the laughing hyena.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Hyenas
Laughing
Call
Father
Used
Hyena

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Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
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Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.
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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
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I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
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I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed.
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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
Phyllis Diller
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.
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How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
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Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
Phyllis Diller