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Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Dog
Died
Funny
Licking
Wedding
Picture

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When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
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... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
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You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
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It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
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How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
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get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.
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Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
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Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss we touch gloves.
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