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Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Dog
Died
Funny
Licking
Wedding
Picture

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Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
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Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
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He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
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I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
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You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
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How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
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Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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