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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Fangs
Cheap
Husband
Short
Asked
Couple
Words
Inspirational
Fang

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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.
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I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
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If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
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It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.
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Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
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Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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